[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
no regrets
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.