“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress