honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.