Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Every damn time
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
How to find Kentucky on a map
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.