“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
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People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Imma just leave this here…………
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
And bowling should be called pinball
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”