DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
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snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.