The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Money is the root of all wealth
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.