Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
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[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you