Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
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On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My inexpensive home security system…
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg