Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.