Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.