When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
🤣😈🤣
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”