Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
That de-escalated quickly
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Omg 🤣
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance