today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
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[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
absolutely not
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Rooting for the overdog
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING