Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.