Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
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AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
why would tinder want me to say this
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
😜
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane