I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
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“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.