It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
What if the weather talks about us?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.