These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72