Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
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Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
i wish i could marry a nap
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal