I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
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My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
CRYING
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.