My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
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me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I think we should hear other voices.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*