Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now