Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”