“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”