Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
“i miss shittin on people”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.