I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.