[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
You Might Also Like
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
What is going on? 😅
Ah..makes sense now
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.