God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
i love meeting boys on tinder
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.