This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Nice try Hitler
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
This meal prepping shit is easy
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys