Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.