It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
You Might Also Like
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
the best thing i’ve ever made
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
People buying plungers never look happy.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole