Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
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i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Good morning, Twitter x
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges