To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.