What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?