Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Lucky old June.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.