What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
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just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
It’s a gift