What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
#gardening
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me