It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The “baby” on the left….
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..