‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.