ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
You Might Also Like
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I WON A HAM TODAY
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*