Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
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The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’