*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
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I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Previously On Persistence 😎
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
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Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow