Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Sing it!
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.