Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
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Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Gods work.
Wait for it
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom