teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
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Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*