[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
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You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Meanwhile in Canada…
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
are there any atheist mantises?