Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
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Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Duolingo getting serious.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??