6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I hope Alan is OK
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
how to exercise your calf muscles
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.