LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
You Might Also Like
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil